If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
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*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
is it earth
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
me and my fake scenarios
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”