My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
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me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up