When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
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fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.