The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
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got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
step 6: release the wall snake
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.