Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
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Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Autocorrect completely socks
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
This headline is a thing of beauty
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals