I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
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“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
😍😂🥰😂😍
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”