Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
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Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!