I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
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This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
How about daylight saves us for once
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now