I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
You Might Also Like
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this