Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
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2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
is nasa ok
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh