Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
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[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”