I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
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What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
Money is the root of all wealth
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.