Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
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This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.