Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
You Might Also Like
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.