Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
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A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
how to market bottled water to dads
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.