Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
You Might Also Like
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
I bet birds love this building.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker