AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
You Might Also Like
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it