I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
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No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”