6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
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he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Hmm, not sure about this change
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason