Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
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The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.