The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
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Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit