Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
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Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Canadian owl: Eh?
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once