Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
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We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”