why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
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Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Venn
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.