tis the season
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Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)