A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
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Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Born to be mild.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.