Damn he played himself
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My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
Battery falling down a hole
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
me adding lol on a serious message
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother