the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
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It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before