Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
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911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!