sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
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WWE is French for “yes”
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person