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My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
They also CAN sing✌️
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Punctuation Matters. Period.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*