I love the National Park Service.
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How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
the best thing i’ve ever made
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
💯😂
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.