Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
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3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.