i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
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[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Social Media and Real life
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.