[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
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Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
🛁
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
The most important meal of the day is the next one
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point