Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
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I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
multitasking lunch
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
My inexpensive home security system…
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog