“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
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Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Room with a view.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.