Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
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ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
motivation
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star