you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
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I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.