Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
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Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Am getting real tired of your crap…
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
superman landing like a plane on his belly
how much does a mortician urn in a year
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.