I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
You Might Also Like
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt