Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
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I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
uncle dave has been through hell
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…