Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
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Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
A woman drives into a bar.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
For the baby who has everything
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.