Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
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[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
Well, this is awkward
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”