I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
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If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this