Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
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The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step