My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
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Me, flirting😏
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.