Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
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Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.