DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
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Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.