A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
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H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
So inspired right now.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.