Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
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At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok